216: Emotionally Intelligent Parenting: Know Your Nervous System State (Sort Of)

The discussion revolves around understanding how our nervous system regulates our responses to emotions and how this influences our behavior. It emphasizes the crucial role parents play in shaping their children’s emotional responses by modeling their own reactions. By recognizing and addressing our own emotional patterns, the conversation suggests that we can guide our children toward healthier emotional processing, fostering resilience and empathy as they encounter various life situations. This process involves acknowledging the diversity of emotional responses among individuals and encouraging self-awareness to navigate these feelings effectively.

Furthermore, the dialogue emphasizes the importance of balancing practicality with emotional connection. While there may be societal pressures to prioritize practicality over emotional expression, the conversation urges a middle ground where both are valued. It suggests that taking time to acknowledge and comfort emotional distress, such as through a comforting hug or supportive conversation, can ultimately contribute to emotional well-being and interpersonal relationships. By fostering this understanding of emotional regulation and connection, parents can help their children develop into emotionally intelligent individuals capable of navigating life’s complexities with resilience and empathy.

emotionally intelligent parenting

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Transcript:

welcome back it’s recovery sord of the podcast where we explore the struggles of Life the challenges of mental health and recovery and the spaces between we express our personal views on life here and this podcast is not meant to replace medical advice or tell anyone the right way to live this podcast is best used as a place of curiosity and questioning to accompany you on your journey be aware there is strong language here we

go

hey Billy hey how’s it going it’s going all right man it’s good to have you back yeah I had a little bit of time off as always working on things around the house and family that’s right right right that’s these days what I do with a lots of my free time I got a haircut two days ago and I came in here without my recovery sword of hat thinking I’ll show off my nice haircut now the camera angle makes me look really bald oh well um it’s like a mohawk yeah it’s to be a guy at 43 you know it is what it is um so hey you uh just before we started recording you were telling me about your your dog and I think that’s where we’re going so what about do yeah so we uh have a dog she’s a Great Dane lab mix big dog 140 lbs you know how long have you had her about three years

I think uh we went to a shelter to pick out a dog and cuz I I never got the idea of like spending hundreds of dollars or thousands of dollars on a dog I’m like there’s plenty of dogs that are free like why would and they aren’t even free at the shelter but that’s a whole another story so you know we went to the shelter and we you know saw this dog and I immediately fell in love and so the little bit of backstory to that was I didn’t even want a dog me and my oldest daughter we had a family vote there’s five of us the two of us voted no dogs no pets because we’re like we’re all too busy we have too much going on we don’t want Pets the other three out voted us so we’re like fine we’ll get a dog so we went to the shelter to look at a dog I didn’t like that dog we saw this dog like two you know kennels over or whatever and I immediately fell in love and I

was like well if we’re getting a dog we’re getting that dog right there and they were on great she was a awesome dog super pretty all black you know big dog is like super friendly super like energetic outgoing you know great dog so immediately F I fell in love with her we took her home fat her for a couple years uh started limping like two weeks ago three well probably about 3 weeks ago now we thought she just hurt herself took her to the vet they said yeah put her on this pain medication for two weeks if she’s still limping after that bring her back so I put her on the pain medication you know she seemed like she was doing fine soon as the medication wore off she started limping again so he took her in the other day my oldest daughter took her in for back to the vet they did x-rays and of course in the middle of the work day I’m at work and we she texts us all and says yeah they said the dog has bone cancer uh it’s in her whole back leg apparently it’s pretty aggressive uh there’s really not a good prognosis um yeah so the dog has cancer and the options are very limited and it’s should be lucky to get a year is basically kind of what we took out of the gist of that and so first you know it was really like it it shook me actually for a minute and I was surprised at my reaction like my immediate reaction like

almost broke down and cried like I really care about this dog you know even though I’m not a uh you know like I hate the term fur babies and I hate that people equate dogs to humans and and that it I get why people do it I’m not placing a judgment on them just not for but for me that’s completely ridiculous like there’s a hierarchy in that pet I love that pet pet but it’s not the same as my kid or anybody’s kid right or anybody’s kid right right so right you know you you’re really you are literally though the meme about the dad who doesn’t want the pet but then falls in love with it like that’s such a m Trope yeah well because that’s what happens and this has been with all of our dogs and pets every time that we get them is like I say I don’t want a pet I don’t want any more responsibilities on my plate but I already know that it’s going to be me that takes care of it and what’s ironic is like now my oldest daughter who was the other one that didn’t want a pet is probably actually does more of the dog care than I

do she’s the one cuz she’s not working right now she takes him to the vet all the time she takes him out to the dog park she’s walked them and taken him you know out more than any of the three other ones probably combined I postulate that’s why you and her didn’t want it right because the other three want things and aren’t willing to put in the work for him and we already know like if I’m going to get I got this in my house too yeah if I get a dog like I I’m not just like it’s not a trophy thing that’s going to sit on the Shelf like that thing requires care and all that so yes so my oldest daughter who also didn’t want the dog takes care of it more than anyone else of course so she text me at work and I’m immediately like I’m

I’m you know sad and so I do what I always do which is start looking things up and researching and Google and you know sure enough terrible prognosis you know right we with my veterinarian degree was able to figure out pretty quick that you know she’s at the end and this is you know this is it um so the idea is in my head immediately like all right now we got to figure out like end of life stuff and how long and what’s that going to look like and you know what do we want to do do we want to have her cremated do we want to bury her can we even barrier in our backyard big ass dog a big ass hole and you know I don’t want to get in trouble with a town or whatever ordinance you might need a machine too so you know all these things running through my head do we want to take her you know now they do cool things with like uh the ashes if you get them cremated and what’s it take to get a dog you know so anyway I go to there

I go to all the Practical uh like real world problems of like putting down a dog and dealing with all that and so the other thing was I immediately knew like oh my gosh my son is going to have what I will call an overreaction meaning he’s going to be sad he’s going to cry he’s going to oh my God I’m so devastated and he’s 15 and I recognize immediately that like I cannot berate him or make him feel bad about that like I have to be ready for that so I’m like I have to get myself conditioned to be like that’s going to be his response and my internal thing is going to be what my parents always did to me about emotional stuff which is shut that [  ] down this ain’t the time or place for that you know knock it off yeah yeah in therapy speak I’m thinking my parents and your parents could not tolerate the emotional expression that emotional expression was too much for their nervous system right that nervous system and the kid reacted their nervous system had never got the training to know what the [  ] to do do with that and so their training was different coping skills of how to stop it not how to help it how to stop it right and then

we got that that’s what we learned and then we’re passing it right on too right so uh so yeah so we went home like that night we got home we had the family discussion about you know what what to do cuz that’s the way we handle a lot of things we all sit down together and we just talk about it it’s beautiful by the way yeah and so you know my two daughters who the oldest daughter the one that takes care of the dogs is also a lot like like she already Googled and looked up a lot of things and she already knows and there’s a couple of indicators but you know she’s towards the end like this is going to be soon I I say all that with my lack of Hope or any kind of faith that anything’s going to get better so we have the family discussion and of course my son is very emotional and he’s kind of crying and you know my middle daughters like well what are you crying about and I you know then I got to shut her her down and be like hey it’s okay for him to have his emotions he’s sad it’s okay for him to be upset about the dog like that’s fine and later I got to talk to her about some of that

I’m like look I understand you’re a lot like me like you want to shut down emotions and they’re not practical but that’s not necessarily a good thing it’s good for people to feel emotions and to deal with emotions and people deal with them in a different way so her and I were able to talk about that a little later but I’m like he’s emotional and that’s actually a good thing and we should encourage him to be emotional not not try to shut that down right right um so the outcome of the family meeting that was kind of that we’re going to contact a Veterinary cic that has an oncology department right and get a second opinion and you know the the debate with my wife and I is like I am already like no we’re way past that this dog is ready to be put down like within the next couple weeks I mean to me and this hope and this we’re going to go get a second opinion and maybe something’s going to be better is like a useless waste of energy and money and she’s like well what does it hurt like to have some hope and at least get a second opinion you know it’s it doesn’t hurt anything it’s not and like emotionally

I don’t even want to go there it’s easier for me to go to the extreme of like I’ve already figured it out this is what we’re doing we’re just moving forward on this path instead of having hope that maybe something can get better because I fear that if I get some hope back then I’ll have to go through this emotional let down from that so yeah so that’s where we are we’re still going to get the second opinion I’m I’m going to tolerate it for lack of a better word even though I feel like it’s a waste of energy and time right I think I think what you do in the experience of how you try to tolerate it and what guides you through that will be really interesting for what you can learn from it I mean I I think there’s Parts under there right like there’s a part that was conditioned by your caregivers that says this is the way to cope with this this situation this feeling this nervous system reaction whatever it is you know you’re classifying as hope in my mind

I mean yeah hope but like there’s something to that right there’s something you’re avoiding there’s a fear and there’s a part that says it’s better to not feel whatever is on the other end of this fear than it is to to do that you know what I mean and like that was W in my mind you got that specifically because that’s how some caregiver around you dealt with the world and I guess it just for me in my mind like like the way your daughter handled the thing you had already figured out not to do in the situation with your son my daughter and my older son do this to my nine-year-old son he’s a very emotional character like myself right but they got what I got that I gave them which is shutting that [  ] down right and so it’s like while I’m getting better in my house and having the space for his emotional reaction and just you know doing some other things they come into the room and like and yeah and then I got to you know wedge myself in between and stop that but but I’m like once I know that this was all programming

I don’t have to take it personal about myself anymore right right and when I can see the line of programming where my kids are doing exactly what I gave them that my father gave me it’s like oh wait wait this isn’t about Jason at all this has nothing to do with Jason this is all some [  ] that got like imprinted on me that I just need to figure out how to unim print yeah and what’s what’s ironic to me so why we were talking about it uh my daughter’s boyfriend was there and he was talking about it with us and he was like yeah you know I I had a friend that their dog had uh bone cancer and they had like almost like a miracle cure thing happen and you know now their dog got better and I’ll contact them and see you know what they did or how this and I’m like yeah they call them miracles for a reason because they never happened and so I don’t even have space for a miracle for a miracle wow and what’s ironic about that to me is that I am a person that believes like at least in my own life and existence that that is how you overcome those types of things like it it all starts mentally you have to believe that you can get better from whatever your terminal illness is and then put all these pieces in place and so much of it is internal mentally that we don’t even scientifically have information to explain yeah so intellectually I know all that and believe that to be true like

I believe that happens emotionally I don’t have the space to do that you know I don’t you don’t think you do yes right at least in this case and of course it’s easy in this case because it’s not me that has to think positively I can’t positively think the dog into Health in my understanding of Miracles I don’t know I don’t know right so there was this this article and I think I mentioned it on here before that like more than 50% of what we see in a situation is what we expect going into it like more than half of what we take away from a thing is what we were already looking for what we’re already programmed to see and and so I take that information and then I take this conversation I’ve had with like 20 different people where I say hey you know we could all decide as humans just that we want to do something different and we could all just stop going to work tomorrow for a week and then eventually like all the governments of the world would probably just ask us what our demands are to keep everything moving a little bit and we could just dictate the terms of life be good to each other and not do what we do now and every time they’re like you can’t do that cuz you wouldn’t be able to trust so and so from coming over and stealing your stuff and

I’m like no we can’t have that world because you can’t believe we could have that world like literally the fact that you can’t trust that somebody else could also just mind their business and take care of themselves and not attack you keeps us from ever getting to a world where we could have a place so we just all minded our business so I do understand that we are creating this world with our minds like we are literally creating what’s in front of us with what we allow ourselves to believe yeah that’s insane yeah well and of course in recovery we do uh you know what I was always taught was this act as if and so immediately I started thinking you know just from our conversation I hadn’t thought about this before but what if I just go home and act as if a Miracle’s going to happen what if I just whatever pray ask you know higher power whatever follow through with this oncologist whatever look up some stuff on what you can I’m sure you can feed your dog raw worms or what some weird you know [  ] some weird thing people do to you know dirt on it whatever I I feel like you got to get on certain portions of the internet where they have all the good cures for that they’re keeping from us invertin andu right and you know what but you know it’s funny cuz that hadn’t crossed my mind until now but it’s like what if

I just go home today and just act as if all the way up until the point that you know we may or may not have to put her down which could be a month six months a year who knows you know but what if I just act as if a miracle is going to happen and try to emotionally get there I always do this thought experiment where like part of me kind of believes that if I could truly wholeheartedly believe in anything it could be real like if I truly believed hard enough that unicorns were real I could walk out of my house today and there would be one walking called The Secret have you ever seen the secret I haven’t but like there’s part of me to think but that’s the secret right right if I just stopped believing in gravity I’d fly or whatever right you know that’s that more or less that’s what the secret is if you believe in something enough you can manifest that into your life I kind of the trick is the secret makes it seem like you can do that with no effort other than the thought which right and that’s the that’s the Crux of it is like how much effort goes into how much thought my problem is I think it can’t happen unless I can truly convince myself to believe it and

I feel like the world has tamped me down to not be able to convince myself to believe it in so many ways kind of like the guy that says I we can’t ever have a peaceful world because somebody over there might attack me so I need guns to defend myself right like I I don’t know what to do with that like how do you undo all the stuff the world did to see if you can actually do whatever you believe to prove it right or I mean that’s similar to my understanding of how most people use like a faith in God especially in the Christian God you know if you pray enough and believe enough and ask enough God will will give it to you unless he thinks you don’t need it well I guess that’s my thing right right with acting as if like if you go home and act as if I don’t think it actually changes that part deep inside of you that doesn’t believe it’s possible that’s the problem I feel I have with acting as if it doesn’t really sell me on the fact that I truly believe it yeah can’t hurt I guess but well and I

I again the recovery concept you know of acting is if sort of fell into line with that bring the body and the mind will follow you know what I mean if you go to enough meetings and hear enough information eventually you know it starts to be hope and then you get a little bit of Hope and then eventually that turns into faith and you have faith that it’s going to work that way and then it becomes a belief but it does it has to start somewhere you know what I mean so where do we start it I want to ask you do you think it’s helpful so when I see my older ones like shutting down my younger one’s feelings or those kind of situations I don’t know what I typically do in the moment I think I’m generally just trying to avoid not being an [  ] to the best of my ability right like but anyway at some point when I go to have that conversation I tend to use the words you are this way because I programmed this into you you got this because I was this way like and my father gave it to me like I I say that a lot do you think that’s useful cuz I I guess when you were talking about having a conversation with your daughter I was like maybe I’m not maybe telling them that isn’t helping them maybe that’s like yeah so for me personally no that’s not helpful at all even to know that like so where I’ve come with a lot of that thinking for myself and how I get better is that’s just the way that I am and

I am okay exactly the way that I am and the way that I process emotions and information is fine for me it’s not okay for someone that doesn’t process them that way you know what I mean like everybody’s unique and my son has the way that he wants to deal with it and I have my way and I am at least at the moment okay with it and I’m doing some work to tie into feelings and to get more emotionally intuitive and all that stuff but that might never happen and I might never be able to change that part of me and then is some of that just like how much is nature nurture maybe some of it is just my [  ] nature because that’s the nature of my parents and some of it is conditioning who who knows you know what I mean we just don’t know enough but back to your question like for me it’s just that this is the way that I process these emotions and this is what I find useful but that doesn’t make it the same for everybody so it’s not that something’s wrong with the what I’m doing it’s just not the best way for everybody I mean for me A Better Way is just understanding and this is what I said to my daughters like you process your emotions you know in the way that works best for you and that’s okay you can do that but it doesn’t make what other people are doing wrong because they’re not you know it’s just like most things in life it’s we’re so varied as human beings in what we like and what we eat and how we process things and what

we think love is and what we think marriage is and you know like so for me it you know helping my daughter just accept where she is and who she is opens the door that maybe there could be something different but if I think something’s wrong with me I’m either much likely to feel bad about myself which is what I felt most of my life anyway like oh something’s wrong with me for the longest time in my marriage I thought with my wife I was like I might be like a sociopath or something because I don’t have emotions right I don’t have you know this emotional stuff that you keep talking about this emotional awareness and recognizing your feelings and all like I don’t know what the [  ] you’re talking about I can’t even begin to Envision that so I must be broken something must be wrong with me and it wasn’t until I got away from that way of thinking that

I started to heal I think when I’m telling the the kids that it’s not them and what they got was for me Isn’t the emotional reaction necess it’s it’s the inability to tolerate somebody else having an emotional expression because really that has nothing to [  ] do with me at all like somebody could stand in the corner and cry the whole time we record this episode and like it really doesn’t impact me except for the fact that I’m a human and it’s going to bother me and I’m going to say holy [  ] can I help you but so it’s it’s that’s the part that I’m saying is wrong you you can’t attack and Bash somebody when they’re at their most most vulnerable moment and I’m saying this isn’t what you would do naturally this is what you do because this is what I did it’s what I showed you to do in these moments I said one plus one is two and when people around you have feelings you [  ] crush them shut them down so like it’s not a uh

I don’t know I guess I don’t feel like I’m telling them that they’re bad but I am saying that that is not a that is not a thing you can be in house yeah I guess that gets back to like how do we teach our children about compassion and empathy and sympathy you know like those are qualities that aren’t overly expressed in society as being very valuable it seems like especially nowadays right like it’s it’s very uh separatist and team oriented so you know yeah how do we teach our kids about empathy and you know allowing people to be emotional like o it’s tough I I think in my mind it’s it’s saying look they’re having an emotional reaction in that moment right and what happens to me in that moment is my nervous system gets really disregulated by their nervous system being disregulated but that’s mine to deal with and yelling and screaming at somebody else because of my nervous system is never okay my nervous system and its state and my feelings and what they are are mine to deal with not to yell at anybody or hit them with that’s what I gave you

I gave you what my father gave me when my feelings get too much I need to tell everybody around me how to be in order for me to be okay again and that’s not okay it’s not okay in my house and it’s not going to be okay in the world you’re not going to be happy if you keep living like that yeah so that’s what I try to tell him and like I guess I don’t know in my mind yeah I am saying that’s wrong and you’re not allowed to do it yeah the attacking part maybe I mean I did shut my daughter down from right right you know that’s yeah it’s not okay to make him feel worse or tell him he’s got to stop like that part’s not okay but the way that she processes it is you know that’s it’s her processing yeah and for me like it’s it’s not even about maybe the the underlying is something like you’re talking about but it feels like in my mind like these high emotional reactions to difficult situations to me are very impractical like you know what

I mean like everything to me rolls back to practicality like all right I can be all sad and upset and crying about the dog but that’s going to do nothing to help fix this situation and so my emotional shutdown is more a process of like all right shut all these emotions down so we can figure out what the [  ] to do and how to fix it because I’m a fixer so there’s two nervous systems right parasympathetic which is the the rest and digest the calm right and then there’s the sympathetic which is we I think we know what that is most people right it’s that figh ORF flight energy that anxiety that amped upness but the parasympathetic nervous system has two places in it there’s the the calm connected uh nervous system you know it’s the one where you and I can sit here comfortably and chat with each other cuz we know neither of us is going to pull out a knife and stab each other right we’re we’re friends there’s another part of the parasympathetic nervous system that would be um more like withdrawn from the world and disconnected and and unable really to reach to touch another human with compassion right it’s just as disregulated but it’s freeze and so it doesn’t look as manic as fight ORF flight it looks dignified and like you’re an adult and handling yourself and taking care of business right it’s just as disregulated but from a closed off State when your son is having his emotional reaction that you call an overreaction right that manic figh ORF flight energy comes up in him you and what I

think your daughter has been modeled and and gotten from you is that the only way to tolerate that CU yours is so shut down is to shut them the [  ] down too you it’s too much because a a connected Comm would want to reached to them and hug them hey wow you look sad right but it’s that freeze of the nervous system that disconnects you from your humanness that says we can’t have this and I will [  ] belittle you until you stop at least that’s my version I don’t know if it looks like that in your house but like in my mind you’re having just as much of a nervous system disregulation and lack of control over your actions it’s just from a different angle and looks nicer in the world it’s it’s what we talked about last month when you were here Billy it’s the near enemy yeah of what really is the good thing right the the compassionate connection is what we want in that moment but that near enemy is I’m just taking care of business and y’all need to give me the space to do that and not waste my time with all your [  ] tears and hope right I don’t know how does that feel

I mean it makes sense I don’t know the science part but what of course immediately what I go to is yeah but the world needs both of those types of people because if you’re in like you know not that anybody ever wants to be in a war but if you’re in a war and you have like a medic who’s in a war that has to go out into an active battlefield of people shooting and everything else to try to help and save someone like they have to be able to shut that emotional [  ] down or you know the guy that runs into help the person that’s being attacked by The Lion at the zoo like somebody has that ability to do that you know and so there is benefits in different situations where having that ability is useful I don’t think that’s I’m not sure if that’s said it or not honestly no I mean I could imagine a medic or a guy jumping in to save a lion like that’s a [  ] ton of energy to run into a lion cage and take on a lion that’s a fight ORF flight that’s a sympathetic reaction for sure that’s not a a shutdown disconnected controlled I should walk in here and help this guy with the Ling comfortably and calmly okay that’s very much a but I guess what I’m thinking of is when you said that when you said we need those people for when we end up in that war and the medic and that sounds a lot like the guy who says we can’t have peace cuz we’re going to need guns for when then people come over here right you know what I mean like maybe we just don’t need a war maybe we could well that’s and that’s before I even went there that’s what

I thought I was like well War’s stupid anyway we don’t even really need War but that’s why I try to go to like a lion or something else so so following a path just out of curiosity not out of you know there’s any right or wrong cuz I don’t believe in right or wrong even though I try to act like I’m right or wrong for a guy that doesn’t think there’s right and wrong I should look at that anyway um okay so so say say instead of the the disconnection in that moment there’s the ability to just meet your son whether it’s you or your daughter right you can just meet him and say it’s painful right there man I get that right and then you can comfort and console him for half an hour and then he’ll feel fine he’ll go back to playing games or whatever the hell he was doing before the feelings came over him his nervous system will go back to calm and then after that half an hour you guys could go on with the rest of your plans or fixing the situation or whatever like why would we ever want to skip that half an hour why would that ever be the like you were saying sometimes we need those people and I’m do we need them well and that’s where I’m

I am resistant to going with my impulse because I question whether it’s right or wrong but in my mind there’s always that thing of that’s just not practical you know that’s what I tell myself right right right and the words right yeah it’s it’s not it’s not useful it’s not practical it’s not going to help this situation that’s what we like to hear a lot you know it doesn’t help anything slow that for a second right okay um I don’t know about practical practical is an interesting word I don’t want to go there but I would say taking that half an hour to comfort your son’s feelings and connect with him is totally helpful and useful for him maybe not for you I get that but what what does the voice say when it’s helpful and useful for the other person well that’s where I try to think it’s not helpful and useful to him like that’s my justification in my head it’s like as you get to be an adult and grow up and go into the world if you’re boss somebody at work does something that hurts your feelings like you can’t just break down and cry you know what I mean like you got to suck it up and go forward and act as if nothing happened and you know like that’s my conditioning in the world and like even people at work like

I know I work with a couple people and they’ve had issues where you know they’ve been whatever yelled at or or criticized or you know had a bad interactions at work and they cry and get upset and go outside and got to take some time and like in my internal dialogue is like what the [  ] is wrong with you like why are you like who says that who says what who who said that in your life and maybe they didn’t have the word [  ] in it I can’t picture your mom saying [  ] my mom yeah who said what’s wrong with she cussed all the time oh oh did she say what the [ __ ] is wrong with you is that her sentiment okay so now we know that’s Mom in your head that’s not really Billy

Billy I want to tell you something Buddy if I was crying in front of you you would hug the [  ] out of me man prob Billy would hug me Billy’s mom’s voice in his head says what the [  ] is wrong with you right and so that’s like so where I’m at in my life now and this has only been within the past four or five years couple of years is really looking at that internal dialogue and recognizing which parts of it aren’t you right aren’t me and that I want to get rid of you know because the the the balance there is that the justification most of my life for being this you know what I’ll call hard or unemotional or or emotionally stoic person like I’ve Justified that in my head that there’s rationale and that it’s good and that that’s the way that you’re supposed to process the world which is why I teach my kids you know what the idea was behind teaching my kids it wasn’t like just reacting without thought it’s like oh no you want to be able to suppress these emotions and push them down and like if your boss yells at you it makes you feel bad you just want to be able to like take that and then just keep moving on because that’s how you get success um but now I’ve began to question some of that and be like well what is like is that success like maybe

I mean might get approval from the people at work but if I feel like [  ] or misunderstood or not able to be myself like that doesn’t feel successful you know so really trying to question some of that stuff and like you you said like with our situation with my son so I was able to shut my daughter down and defend him and his feelings but I wasn’t overly nurturing to him after that I didn’t like hug him or console him for a half an hour you know we kind of just continued on with our family discussion and he was upset but yeah and I thought about that afterwards and thought wow I wish I would have been at the time I wish I would have been able to just lean over and like give him a hug or tell him it’s okay or let him cry on me right but the intern like the the level of like just clenching my fists to not react was so there yeah yeah no so I guess what I’m picturing and this is what

I’m what I’m trying to do with mine right now that I think it’s the thing to do it is okay you go home he has that emotional reaction that you know is coming you’re prepared you’ve set yourself up you know you’re going to do some breathing and and you you hold him right that night this new night you hold him maybe it takes half an hour maybe cries for half an hour maybe y’all need to walk out front to get some cool air on your face Steve and calm it down then but then in 6 months another big thing happens and this time you hold them and it takes 15 minutes and then a year after that a big thing happens and then you hold him and it takes five minutes it’s just a hug and then over time he gets better at learning how and what feels good when he is disregulated well [  ] feeling being hugged is nice seeking out people that love me to comfort me is nice um being still is nice these things help me when I don’t feel good and then in the future when he is an adult and those things happen at work he knows how to [ __ ] Comfort himself because you showed

him

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