201: Time for Self Vs. Commitment (Sort Of)

In this episode, we talk about time. Not enough time, where our time goes, who sets the boundaries around our time, etc. We talk about how the school day take up so much of a parents time. We explore the struggle to make time for oneself. We speak on the idea of needing to be vulnerable to get authentic empathy. And talk about the idea of commitment to our children, and how to best give them the sense of commitment, not to mention commitment to what, exactly?

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Transcript:

recovery sort of is a podcast where we discuss recovery and addiction topics from the perspective of people living in long-term recovery this podcast does not intend to represent the views of any particular group organization or Fellowship the views expressed here are solely the opinion of its contributors be advised there may be strong language or topics of an adult

[Music]

nature [Applause] welcome back it’s recovery sort of the podcast where we talk about life recovery and the struggles along the way thanks for tuning in here we go school started back up it’s been I guess a month or so now School adds a lot more work into my day no matter what like I it didn’t really change my schedule I always kind of got up at 600 anyway and just like had more time to myself got slow all that stuff but now I get up at 6:00 to start waking older kids up for the bus and because of the way they run the buses of you know the different schools that process goes from six when I start waking a kid up to 8:30 when I get the last kids on the bus so every day of my week is two and a half extra hours of getting tending to people and nurturing people right and like just that and then on top of it the pressure of that it adds in in the evenings of like oh well there’s School sports going on now and we got to pick people up and get homeworks done and you know stay on top of everybody did everybody get a shower are we brushing our teeth right like do we eat healthy today and like all that’s extra in the evening and and then like you know you add in well to be a good parent we we since Co have [  ] not had eye exams Christ we better get back on top of that and we’re getting Dental people done and regular doctor visits and like it has been a lot extra on my plate and all things that I want to do and want to show up for and nurture my family through right but it’s really left me feeling at the end of every week um like basically every every Friday I have felt so [  ] worn down and looked back and and felt along the way like I’m not having the self-care time I’m not having this time that I that I need to sit and rest and just be and like I don’t know what to do in those moments right and and that’s a struggle I’m coming to because there’s definitely this part of me that says well this is an easy [  ] answer bro you choose happiness [  ] school [  ] [  ] you don’t go to it don’t matter be happy feel good this is what matters most and then there’s another part that says yeah man but like if you’re not nurturing some of these ways of taking care of them so that they know how to do it later you’re [  ] up too so it’s a real big struggle right the idea of put your own oxygen mask on First and yet I’m finding a lot of weeks where I’m just not seeing where this life is allowing me with what it asks of me to have time to do the things that need to be done to nurture me and my kids to and I just don’t have the answers for it I’m like what do I do am I the parent that says [  ] eye exams and my kids don’t have I mean one of my kids need a glasses right like that’s being a bad parent but then if I’m [  ] too short and can’t take care of myself I’m going to end up being a bad parent too and like I don’t know like I’m open the floor I said enough yeah I so I can empathize although I’m not there at the moment yeah yeah your’s are little old so I don’t know is that sympathy or empathy I don’t know which one but yeah now we’re at the other side of that so that gets something we talked about in the previous episode with having like the whatever you want to call it like energy or ability to take care of myself um when my wife and I talk about some of the issues we’ve had in our marriage it’s been those things like the demands of work and young kids and sports and blah blah blah and by the end of the week the grass still needs mowed and this [  ] needs done and me being a person that struggled with like anxiety and judgment and you know worried about what the neighbors think of what my yard looks like and all that [  ] man I was drowning in Stress and Anxiety over getting all this stuff done and um it didn’t serve me too well um I used to have a sponsor that would say something similar to what you’re saying he would be like you really need to take care of yourself first you know his reasoning or or not reasoning his uh suggestions a lot of time was like well actually try to add in like another meeting in the week during those times that’s time for you and I’d be like what the I can’t you know you’re telling me that I can’t even fit [  ] the one I want to go to and what do you mean go to another one and he would say things like if you just do that extra hour to two hours for yourself you’ll find that all those other things run a little smoother but that’s so much easier to [  ] say when you’re not the one that has to do it you know like when you’re caught up in that like like some days I’m just I was just [  ] tired like I’m just tired when do I just get to like sit at home for an evening yeah I I think you’re talking about the uh the wall I run into whenever I try to tell people about this idea right they’re like no I got to keep doing the stuff I got to get the things done what do you mean I got to fit in extra time for me to have rest time and bl for me right I same argument that same spinning like can I fit in more and and how can I be more it’s already too much that was the point I was already asking myself for too much and the answer wasn’t to ask myself for more to get an extra meeting in it was to take something off of my plate and say I can’t do this much I need one less I need to have another night where I’m me right whether that’s a meeting sitting at home whatever it might have been that you needed and that’s where I feel like I’ve been doing the same thing I keep saying I want to get you know to use your analogy I want to get like eight arms so I can bail more water out quicker right that’s the answer getting more of the water out and realizing that over time like I don’t think that’s the answer the answer is not finding more time to to take care of more the [  ] things or getting more you know fluid in my motions to handle vacuuming with my toes while I do the dishes with my right arm and like that’s not the [  ] answer right the answer is to find a way to have less to do yes I got to find less things taking up my time I need more time sitting on my porch the [  ] weather this past few weeks everybody’s been bitching about the cold and the rain I have loved it I am embracing fall warm ass seat heaters in my mother’s car yesterday like hot chocolate hot apple cider sitting on my porch and hoodies like I’m all in man and it has felt so amazing right but I don’t feel that when I don’t have the time the cold becomes the thing I got to tolerate on my walk to the car or getting out of bed in the morning and not the thing that I’m appreciating and you know what I mean and like it has it’s not for me getting better I don’t need to be better at anything to feel better right now I just need to stop trying to do so much yeah and one of the things that helped us tremendously at the time was uh we had my mom actually came and moved in with us and helped a lot with our kids you know just asking for help needing you know and and we were incredibly fortunate to have that family support that person that could come in and help with that stuff not everyone has that right right we’ve had a lot of help from grandparents along the way too in ours and it really is it’s so useful and like you said going back to earlier right that ability to ask for help now I’m vulnerable now I need you now we’re connected now we all [  ] feel better yeah it’s amazing and then we’re all taught not to need anything you can’t need anything you got to look out for yourself the world’s big bad and scary and the more we keep selling this fear idea to protect ourselves the more we keep stopping us from being able to connect in the ways we need to the human ways yeah you’re struggling I can give you Grace we were fortunate in that early on we pulled our kids out of traditional school and they ended up going to an alternative school yeah and that I mean it had its own other struggles they didn’t have a school bus or anything we had to take them to school every day and pick them up every day and we had to make their lunches CU they didn’t have public lunches or whatever so it had some pieces to it too but the tradeoff was like they didn’t have to be at school at a set time they had to be there for six hours during the full course of a day or like in our case it was I could drop them off early on my way to work and then pick them up when I was done so sometimes they would be at school longer they would be at school like a full day until 4:30 or 5 o’clock are any of their teachers getting uh a little older and ready to retire just just saying I might know somebody but uh yeah it was you know really nice to have a and that’s part of the school you know philosophy is like not everyone’s lives fit neatly into this thing or like I remember you know early on trying to figure out oh it’s a [  ] teacher planning day on a Tuesday and Wednesday so we’re closed on Tuesday and Wednesday like well [  ] my job’s not closed my wife’s job’s not closed you’re my daycare godamn it well then how do you find a daycare that only takes kids on the days that they’re off of school like that shit’s weird you know but but we found that alternative school and that was a huge help um for a lot of ways but they also don’t believe in like homework or or any of that [  ] and you know then our kids did extracurricular activities and you know we were doing extracurricular activities you know we would try to get them in the same things together but even that doesn’t always work out I don’t believe in homework either I think that is [  ] I’m not trying to train anybody to do extra [  ] while they’re at home I want you to do your [  ] while you’re at home just your [  ] you can’t do your [  ] in an 8 hour period at school got to send you home with more right that’s not want my work to work you ain’t sending me home at work [  ] that so don’t send my kids home at work right um so look and I and I guess this is that piece of like for me it’s not about how much work it takes it’s about is the work it takes producing the reward I want right because what I feel like is public school for me takes a [  ] ton of work it’s that two and a half hours every morning and then the extras in the evening and like what do I get out of that well I get kids that get socialized like all their other PE that need to have Nike socks and iPhones or they’re not okay doesn’t have that to do right so like I feel like I’m doing a lot of work and getting a result I hate right right so it’s like in your position and and I get it it’s still work it’s got its own challenges in different ways but I’m like when I lay down at the end of the day I’m like yeah but I am nurturing and nourishing their Spirits as [  ] humans not as these you know automatons that just need to [  ] go do whatever the goddamn Bell says to do at that moment go to the next class take your break eat your lunch [  ] that it’s not how I want to live so it’s like I I I don’t mind the work when it’s getting the outcome I want that feels realistic but I I’m not I’m putting in a [  ] ton of work and getting not the outcome I want getting the opposite yeah um I I mean I try to think now like a lot of the things I do sometimes I have to just sort of and I don’t know that this is the healthy way to do it but sometimes I have to sort of justify to myself that pushing through is in alignment with my values UMO well not specifically school but maybe some of the extracurricular activities or stuff they want to do with sports and all that stuff it’s like you know do I always want to go to every one of my son’s baseball games no you know what I mean like just to be honest no some days yeah it’s great it’s [  ] Saturday morning super early it’s beautiful out it’s 70 you know yeah who doesn’t want to go sit down and watch kids play ball it’s great you know on a Tuesday night after work and it’s [  ] 50 outside and I’m sitting there freezing to death and would rather be home like [  ] no I know my wife right now is listening to this thinking Jason Jason is the guy who doesn’t want to sit there even on the nice day with lots of sleep well some of those days I don’t you know cuz I got [  ] I got to do but uh I just for me personally just remind myself like yeah this has given up a little bit of myself now for their future or well-being and at the end of you know the week the month whatever when I sit down and be like hey how do I feel about the life I’m living and the person that I am I want to be the kid that supports and shows up for my children like that gives me value it gives me worth um you know does it fit in with some of the other things that I want to like get done get accomplished like say at my house or whatever or things that you know I want to do for my own well-being no um but it’s like a tradeoff you know what I mean like I’m I’m making a tradeoff for their investment one thing with kids that I remind myself a lot is like they didn’t ask to be here they’re we brought them here neither did I don’t forget that portion of this equation none of us did right uh they didn’t ask to be here and you know we you know brought them into the world and set them up for this situation and then I am the one giving them these choices I don’t have to I can say no we don’t do Sports no we don’t and maybe that’s a choice to make too but you know it’s not their fault that they said yes to something that I offered them and then now I’m mad about it cuz they decided to do it right right right you know I got to remind myself of that [  ] sometimes because I’m like ah this [  ] Sports [  ] you no doubt I mean I I I don’t get me wrong I got a strong bias against the Time Sports takes up right I don’t have any issue with sports or well I kind of do I don’t like competition but whatever um and I I have gotten a lot better with that piece of like the the lovely thing speaking about this whole idea of me not having the self-care time this week really that we’re talking about is like recognizing that over the last month of me experience ing this nobody else in my family knows about it except that I’ve told my wife and shared with her that I’ve like struggled with the time yeah because the ways I am trying to do my best to take care of myself have prevented me from taking it out on anybody else right which is [  ] great and I can celebrate myself in that right and I’m loving that fact that that this is where I’ve grown to like this is great cool there’s still more work to be done yes to figure it out but like awesome this is a great place to be but like so I’ve handled it well and I feel good about it but Friday you’re you’re talking about sports I was at that exhausted place and it’s Friday and and my 9-year-old soccer practice is Friday at 5:15 even though his games are Saturday morning at 10: a.m. I’m like that [  ] feels so stupid but anyway I’m like trying to get him together he’s not feeling it he’s worn out from his goddamn school week CU that’s hard on little bodies too to get up all early and they struggle to sleep at night because of their own stuff and all that and so he’s exhausted and he’s not really even wanting to go and I’m trying to do the right thing show up for the team and we get in the car and we’re going down there and I get like halfway there and we [  ] forgot the ball and they don’t have any balls this week because the coach isn’t there and I know all this and I’m like I got some [  ] jacked up truck behind me that sounds like a death machine that’s going to run my little ass Focus over in a second and I’m like dude I can’t do this and he’s like what and I I pulled over and I’m like buddy I we forgot the ball like they don’t even have balls this week unless you bring your own to do the drills because the coach is on vacation like you don’t want to be here I don’t want to be here who are we doing this for yeah say something similar and we turned around and we went home and I just wish I could have realized that about 15 minutes sooner before I left the house but like look I don’t right wrong I don’t [  ] know I don’t know if it’s right to teach them to show up for teams cuz they’re committed or but like why the [  ] are we doing it if we’re not happy happy none of us and so we didn’t we went home and like I’m willing to give myself that at least thank God you know it felt nice yeah I don’t know I mean it’s interesting that you said I don’t know if we should be doing this to teach them commitment and it made me think about all the people I’ve been encountering as of late that don’t keep their commitments and that that’s really difficult to be on the other end of it is it is but here’s the thing I don’t teach my child commitment when I forc them to do something that we’re all unhappy doing I teach them to be unhappy and do [  ] to make other people happy if I want to teach them commitment to anything especially at this point in my life with what I’ve learned it’s to be committed to your [  ] self in your own happiness that’s what you should be committed to this [  ] that they ask of us out here in the world is a lot [  ] be committed to taking care of yourself [  ] out of commit spiritual principles I mean I’ve always been a huge huge commitment person but like lately I’m I don’t want to say pulling back on that but like we talk about with almost every spiritual principle like there’s a [  ] middle path to that commitment um it’s not commitment no matter what at all costs and I’ll just to give a different example that has nothing to do with me specifically but we had a guy at work and he was a [  ] no call no show or like a week ago on a Monday just we called him didn’t answer write The Voice mail it’s been with us five or six years it was completely out of character whatever no call no show asked him the next day hey what’s going on H I don’t want to talk about it that was it I was like huh and my gut reaction to that is well that’s not [  ] good enough I’m the boss you need to tell me what’s going on this is whatever but then coincidentally we approached that in a different way a couple days later kind of I had some opportunity to talk to him set him aside said hey man you know are you okay like what and he’s going through some personal stuff his some issues with his wife and he just was just couldn’t [  ] do it almost like you said he just got up that day and coming into work and he looked at the schedule and yeah he was at a neg four feel good and and he just he couldn’t [  ] do it and I could empathize like being at a place where shit’s gone really bad in your relationship or your marriage and you know I don’t know a in my head I’m like well maybe they’re splitting up or talking about splitting up and that shit’s devastating like it’s [  ] devastating and then to expect him to be like well you should have made us a priority in your life you know what I mean your [  ] job is a priority that just didn’t feel right in that moment for but I’ll flip that around and I get like the job thing but commitments to people as someone who [  ] hasn’t been going right in their relationship and has been struggling I’ve had a lot of people that we have plans and they bail and okay like maybe they’re not feeling good and there’s levels to that right but on the flip side like I was really dependent on that social interaction because I’m not feeling good like that was something that I needed um and it just feels like there’s I don’t know if it’s more the people that I’m surrounding myself with these days it just or if it’s just something about the way our society and culture is going but it feels like people are just more willing to say they’re going to do something and and and check out at the last minute with very little consideration for how that impacts other people yeah uh okay so this is my take on it not to say that this is the truth the reality this is what Jason has come to around some of this some of that is uh the distraction of Technology allows us to get the feelg goods in ways that aren’t natural like generally in order to feel good we had to get connection with people that’s the only thing that felt that great food you know all those things but like we’ve trained ourselves to get the Feelgood from our phones and scrolling endlessly and and it’s it’s not here’s the thing it’s not the feelg goods that takes us to the 80 it’s the feel Goods that takes us to 38 like just functional enough right and it doesn’t actually feel that great it’s the relief instead of the healing um and that’s a big part of what’s going on and what you’re talking about and also to just there’s so many demands from this machine out here that we can’t keep up with the [  ] that’s good for our souls anymore it’s like we’re constantly chasing this survival thing of making the money and we can’t do what’s good for our souls and so the souls come last all the time they could have been dying inside and needing that meeting with you that day too and feeling the pressure of but I got to do this’ I don’t know right I don’t know the other thing I would say is I don’t believe that my sense of commitment comes from [  ] showing up at soccer practices or you know perfect attendance yeah and it may not yeah your situation sounds a little different cuz like I think same thing like I finally got into a place in my life like with sports and my kid like this is [  ] little league baseball it’s not the goddamn you know end of the world like so same like he’s been like I don’t know if I feel like going to practice I’m like you know me neither like let’s we’ll dis miss a practice or I’ve had there’s been days he’s had games I’ve been like hey man do you mind if I don’t come like I don’t I’m just and I’ve missed some games and I feel okay about it like I’m just I’m okay with not being it like is it really going to make a difference that I was at every single possible game every time or that I missed you know three in eight years like here’s here’s the mind [  ] in my brain you Billy I don’t think think you’re a committed guy as an adult because you as Little Billy were forced to go to all your practices I think you got committed to the idea of earning love from your mother it has nothing to do with the idea of showing up and you think the way to earn love from people is to just be committed so it’s not even it wasn’t the act of being forced to go to these events that did it it was the feeling of her lack of ability to give you love without you being what she wanted you to be right so like it’s not me forcing my kid to go to soccer that’s going to make him a committed person to the people that he loves it’s me showing up and be a committed person to him because I love him right committed to him and how he feels in that moment not the [  ] soccer team and if he needs to be committed to going there I’m committed to showing up for him when he needs me and that’s going to make him a person who’s committed to showing up for people he loves because that’s what love will be to him you know what I mean it’s nothing about how many soccer practices he missed or games it’s about my commitment to him and his well-being that’s where a commitment is and I would say for the people in your life they’ve probably never had that modeled for one they don’t know what it’s like to feel loved and cared about through commitment and also they probably don’t have the space to give you any of it or do they know where you’re at like have you been able to say to them like hey I’m really in a bad space I really need to get with people CU I’m not in a good place yeah yeah I would say everybody kind of knows yeah but we don’t come back around and tell people right like if I’m hurting today and and I was counting on Billy to go fishing with me and for whatever reason he had to bail even if it’s like his son just [  ] broke his leg this morning I it is my duty as a human to express to you man that hurt I really was depending on you today I get it I know you couldn’t have done nothing different but it doesn’t change that it hurt yeah or even to say Hey you know I’m really in a bad space is there any time later or whatever we can do something but I don’t want to guilt people but it’s not guilting people it’s giving people the opportunity to see that you’re human and and show that they’re human and that’s where we’re all we’re all so scared to like be vulnerable because of the hurt that can come come from rejection that we don’t get vulnerable and get the healing that can come when they say ah [  ] I didn’t know I’m sorry you know what I was having a rough day but let me throw some [  ] sweats on and I’ll come over and we’ll just we won’t go to the movies we’ll hang out at your house I can be around you I just didn’t have the energy for our plan yeah or I just feel like being out in public doing all that [  ] we got to be human to let other people treat us human and it’s so [  ] hard when it’s scary man yeah for sure I don’t know feels like a good ending point though yall satisfied yeah cool well peace out we’ll see you soon I [Music] [Applause] [Music] guess did you like this episode share it with people you think might get something out of it check out the rest of our episodes at recovery sort of.com also while you’re there you can find ways to link up with us on Facebook Twitter Instagram redddit YouTube anything we’re always looking for new ideas got an idea you want us to look into reach out to [Music] us