Mental Health conversation centered around 12 step recovery and related topics. We talk about spiritual living, living with addiction and growing in the 12 steps. Find us on our home at https://recoverysortof.com/. If you want to join the conversation, email us at RecoverySortOf@gmail.com, find us on Twitter: https://twitter.com/RecoverySortOf, Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/recovery_sort_of/, or Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Recovery-Sort-Of-112376247161866/?view_public_for=112376247161866.
In this episode of Recovery (Sort Of), we dive into the topic of love languages and how they can impact relationships in addiction recovery. We explore the five love languages – words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch – and discuss how understanding and communicating in each language can strengthen relationships and promote lasting recovery. Whether you're new to recovery or have been sober for years, learning to speak the language of love can be a powerful tool for building healthy connections and finding fulfillment in sobriety. Listen in and then share your thoughts with us.
From the episode:
Episodes mentioned:
How to find us and join the conversation:
Email: RecoverySortOf@gmail.com
—
Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/recoverysortof/message
In this episode of Recovery (Sort Of), we dive into the topic of love languages and how they can impact relationships in addiction recovery. We explore the five love languages – words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch – and discuss how understanding and communicating in each language can strengthen relationships and promote lasting recovery. Whether you’re new to recovery or have been sober for years, learning to speak the language of love can be a powerful tool for building healthy connections and finding fulfillment in sobriety. Listen in and then share your thoughts with us.
From the episode:
Episodes mentioned:
How to find us and join the conversation:
Email: RecoverySortOf@gmail.com
Transcript:
recovery sort of is a podcast where we discuss recovery topics from the perspective of people living in long-term recovery this podcast does not intend to represent the views of any particular group organization or Fellowship the attitudes expressed are solely the opinion of its contributors be advised there may be strong language or topics of an adult nature [Music]
[Applause] welcome back it’s recovery sort of I’m Jason and I am touchy feeling and I’m Billy I’m a person in long-term recovery I’m Jenny I’m also a person in long-term recovery I’m Caroline I’m also a person in long-term recovery and you are not supposed to say that Jason oh I didn’t say it was actually my one why are we keeping a secret anyway we’re talking about The Love Languages today because this is an interesting topic so we have all taken our love language quiz and I believe we have gotten our partners to take their love language quiz and and Jenny is going to guide us on a journey of what that all means oh my gosh I’m so glad we could do this I thought you guys were going to say no and I brought it up as a topic it’s just because I was really curious about it like I’ve always heard like people say their Love Languages like oh yeah soft blankets That’s My love language or uh playing golf is my love language you know and I didn’t like I didn’t know what this was and like one of my friends was like oh my husband made me a breakfast burrito That’s My love language so I was like what is Love Languages and then breakfast burritos yeah breakfast burritos and then last summer New York Times had an article it was love languages it’s 30 years old I’m like let me check this out so I read the article and then I went after the book but I didn’t actually listen to the audiobook till Valentine’s Day this year because I like Zoe like match up themes so I did love languages as my Valentine’s audiobook and I thought it was really interesting so let’s talk about it today um and then we’re gonna talk about Each Other’s Love Languages which we don’t know we’re gonna guess Each Other’s Love Languages um so listen to the audiobook it’s by this dude Gary Chapman um the purpose of the book is to Define the love language between people that supports their need to belong it’s the psychological need for love so it’s not discussing the love of like spaghetti meatballs or I love soccer um it’s that that that need to be loved human to human I guess it could include pets maybe he didn’t cite pets in the book How would pets have a love language well you know because it’s physical touch but you know it’s like having a you know Ascension companion I guess [Music]
apparently I didn’t I just couldn’t hear you yeah
Fantasy Island oh my God
I have no idea
so so my parents were a little older for my generation so I I yeah I know all the old [ __ ] yeah okay so there are five love languages according to Chapman just five just five and any variations on that he would describe as dialects which we’re going to get into in a little bit but there’s there’s the original five and that hasn’t changed usually we learn our love language by what our parents did either we do the opposite of what our parents did because it didn’t work for us or we do exactly what our parents did um your love language stays with you for your lifetime it may change like five-year-old me has different needs than 48 year old man maybe three yeah but um maybe or might say the same but your primary love language according to the author doesn’t change and it only it changes like with maturity so um so it does change or it doesn’t change it changes like specific so say you’re gift giving like five-year-old Jenny would get a different gift than 40 year old Jenny um so mine has changed I think okay
what qualifications did the author have when he wrote this okay um he said that God had him write this oh Lord
so my wife and I actually had read this book that I’ve got probably 13 years ago 15 yeah not 30. but probably 10 or 15 years ago and it was a marriage it the book originally was a written as a marriage advice book he was a I think a pastor at a church so he had done some marriage counseling from that then went on to be an actual marriage counselor he came up with this Theory you know around these Love Languages and then the book was born out of that so yeah he was I think he was like on uh like the precipice of decision he could go travel doing missionary work or write this book and he was directed to write this book and he was kind of a marriage counselor but not like a therapist that we know I think it was like a church marriage counselor yeah like a lot of churches you would go to your Deacon or your pastor for your marriage advice so there is a dark side to this love language Theory which we’re also going to talk about today and I and I think it revolves around his very conservative Christian background um and it’s not to put down any Conservative Christian but it’s it’s just not very inclusive we’ll put it back well and can I say for for our marriage at least we got a lot of benefit out of the book I don’t know as much because of the specifics but in general one of the concepts was that we all give and receive love in different ways and that’s okay like you know for example you know me giving gifts to my kids you know not that that’s not a loving gesture but that might not make them feel like I love them that just that might be my way of trying to show them I love them but they not might not feel it in that way they may feel it in a little different way and we tend to get into these uh in marriages you know like get into these arguments or my wife and I would get into arguments about well don’t you see that I love you because I’m doing all these things um you know taking out the trash and taking care of the house and taking care of the kids and making sure all our needs are met and and she was like no that doesn’t make me feel loved and so then we would be in like this power Battle of like well I’m showing you I love you in the way that I know to show you that I love you and she’s telling me well I don’t feel very loved and so then it’s like well something’s wrong with you and then it’s no well something’s wrong with you you don’t feel it but I’m doing it so you must be broke and so we were kind of stuck there so this idea that oh no you receive love in a different way than I’m trying to give you loves gives us a way like I think one of the ways he used to describe it in the book that I liked the best was like we’re talking about the same thing but like she’s speaking Chinese and I’m speaking Greek you know and and we’re just not able to communicate in a way that we’re connecting and so if I can learn a little bit of you know Chinese and she can learn a little bit of Greek then we can both meet sorta in the middle and connect in a loving relationship that’s awesome that’s the that’s the perfect explanation thank you yeah no problem well it was a big help for us I mean it really helped some things in our mind all right so go out there and practice Your Love Languages and we’ll see you next week let’s talk about them first though so we’re going to define the five um uh so there’s five the first one we’re gonna go over real quick words of affirmation so words of affirmation are that’s a really good one oh thank you I feel really love right now um so words of affirmation are like encouragement compliments that can be written or spoken also includes compliments about your partner that you say to someone else and uh it can get back to them or not but just using the words to flatter praise your partner and on the other end words of affirmations can be daggers if they’re used negatively like verbal abuse so somebody whose love language is words of affirmation you can really hurt them with your words even if you’re like really that hurts your feelings like I was just name calling you but if words of affirmation I just called you I can’t
but I mean they’re I think people with words of affirmation are much more sensitive to ver uh I want to see if this holds true but like when you just said that the thing that came to me was if we use words from a place of love we are going to be building someone up and if we use words from a place of fear of a lack of resources because that’s generally where anger comes from like oh my God you might not love me in a week or you might see faults in me and leave me or you might find someone better like when we use that’s kind of what we’re doing we’re insecure so we’re knocking somebody down to feel more secure in our relationship because if they feel worse about themselves they’ll stay with us I know it’s not actively what we’re doing in that moment but that’s what’s happening so it’s like okay so if we come from love we’re good if we come from Fear we’re not huh I’m just curious if that holds up for the other languages too because that would kind of like this test it out save that thought the next one is quality time so quality time is uh two people together giving each other their attention um giving each other their attention you could be doing something but the point is to be together so you could be having a walk in the neighborhood but the point is that you’re doing it together you could do a garden together go to a concert uh have another couple come over the point is is you’re exploring each other with this activity so you’re like active listening asking questions to get to know them um if one partner’s love language is quality time the other partner must divulge their inner world that’s part of the deal for quality time to work so that sounds really connection well there’s a uh and this is what’s important for our relationship there’s a subcategory in that quality time of quality conversation that you know you’re connecting you’re making that quality time connection through intimate communication and I would say those are kind of different right so like what you’re describing is maybe that your wife is looking more for the the connection and the way she finds connection is through more of the conversation whereas like you described in the last episode when you go to the gym you don’t necessarily really talk to the people there but through seeing them every day it feels like a community and you just feel connected doing that activity kind of around them peripherally so like maybe that’s the different levels of how we connect and what we need to connect it’s not necessarily that just we have the time together but like for for your wife it might be more we need to be talking for that to be connecting and for you it’s like ah no I feel safe in this proximity these are good people and that’s enough for connection but both are quality time so I almost feel like that’s not one thing it’s true I would I would but then you’d have to call the book six level languages and that’s not as cool right let’s let’s write the book for Love Languages because I bet we could sell it right four minute ads seven love languages four minute love languages we’ll heal you from what I was reading quality time requires undivided attention so I don’t think what Billy has with his Jim Crow is quality time I think for him it is for somebody who needs and yeah I was gonna say I would disagree I would I would say for me like Jen and I going to an event is we don’t even have to talk we’re just doing it together is good well and that’s what I was thinking because you said this on the last episode you were talking about oh your sister’s having a kid’s birthday party today you were thinking of going you like connecting with your sister but to me going back to this fear and love idea quality time out of fear would be oh God I’m not close enough with my sister I really wish we were closer I can’t skip this she’ll be mad at me because it’s her kid’s birthday like all these fear responses to why I need to go now whereas a loving response would be hey you know this party isn’t really right for me but let’s go get lunch next Saturday like it you know what I mean like we don’t have to do it right now because you’ll still be here and there is enough love for me and I don’t have to worry about a lack of resources or Scare be scared of it or oh yeah and this is that specific case isn’t that as much as it’s a matter of I got nothing else going on and it would show her that I am a support to her grandchildren and her event it’s it’s like I’m doing it in a lot I feel like I’m doing it in a loving action it’s not out of like an obligation but the relationship is more done as to me is like an act of of service or connection like hey you’re important to me your family and your grandkids are important to me so I can show up for this thing and eat some food and hang out for an hour it’s really hard to separate that that obligation versus what we’re trying to do to establish these positive things in our life I mean it is like because one of the words that came out or the statements that came out of your mouth just now was because I don’t have nothing else to do I’m thinking I should so if that’s an obligation statement right if I had something to do I wouldn’t give a [ ] about missing it but because I’m not doing anything now I feel kind of guilty for not going and I’m not saying you do but that statement to me is like a clue-in statement of oh because I have nothing to do there’s an obligation now you know oh you skip my party to do nothing oh god really geez you really don’t care about me oh she wouldn’t make that one yeah I don’t know but anyway yeah I would classify you guys in the earlier part of that tangent um was dialects like like they’re both quality time but maybe quality time for you like if you and Jen went to the uh went to like a function you didn’t even talk you’re still getting to know each other like I’m being very open-minded about the communication part like you’re getting to know each other because you’re seeing your wife bounce off of other people you’re seeing what she’s interested in and vice versa oh God what I was just thinking when I see my wife in Social settings I actually kind of like her less I don’t like these surfacy conversations she has with people they’re awful interesting and then I forget what the other one like there was another one but both of the things you brought up I believe are what the author would classify as dialects of quality time there’s still quality time they’re just my wife and I are the opposite of Billy and his wife like I’m the guy who’s like if we’re not having deep conversation we’re not [ ] connected and she’s like oh no I’m around people we’re you know saying hi and talking about our kids it’s great and I’m like I don’t that’s not how I feel connection I just feel really disconnected here like y’all are all doing something that I don’t understand is what it feels like um so something else is you have languages from a loving Place yeah definitely not through fear or obligation you know you’re and I think you going to the child’s birthday party is from a loving place because you’re giving the gift of your time I’m not trying to pick on this yeah I mean like I don’t think and at the moment I might hang out and stay in the hot tub I might not even go I haven’t really committed either way I mean it’s subliminally in my head I’ve committed but yeah but I mean I’m gonna say that I haven’t got it yeah I still believe that you were doing it from a loving place because it’s part of your value system that’s what you’ve talked about yeah and then um I got a little sidetracked with examples what’s number three number three so we did words of affirmation quality time next is gift giving gift giving is the easiest of the Love Languages because it can be expensive free it could be the gift of your presence depending on the receipt what about the gift of quality time because now I just took out the gift well um and also gift giving is an expression of love that is actually Universal like across the whole planet gift giving is like a universal words of affirmation towards somebody um but
um I I did get a little confused about like what’s the difference between the gift of presence and quality time like the author used an example of a funeral like you know someone you care about lost someone and nobody wants to go to a funeral but you do it as a gift of your time like I I’m there for you you know even if you’re not totally talking to the person who’s mourning they know that in spirit and you’re there for them so that’s like that’s a gift of Time Versus quality time which would be like you’re over there their house the moment they call you and say they lost in love um is that under the assumption that’s weird because that makes it feel like quality time has to be quality and for both people or it doesn’t count yeah I think it is yeah quality right well to go back to quality time yes the there’s a quality timer and if the other person isn’t also quality time you gotta get quality time because the the non-quality timer has to divulge their inner world to the quality time for a Loveline yeah okay um all right so gift giving that was easy uh the fourth one acts of service is doing what you think your partner would like to be done example chores Aaron’s work career stuff showing up for a grieving person at a funeral which was supposed to be a gift of time her presence um what also account is okay it’s an overlap you’re like yeah depends how you you know you that’s funny I did see a meme I think not very clearly defined I think no and there are definitely overlaps there’s overlap I did 100 I I screenshot this uh this uh it was like my love language is all of them give me a gift while you’re running errands for me and then come rub my head for an hour by complimenting me the entire time and then do it again every day forever there you go yeah I love languages yeah so acts of service too would be like um the partner who fills their time mowing the lawn painting cooking extravagant meals working on the car I’m James Ellenwood today yeah there you go um it’s so they can like the partner sees that are like but look I can afford our expensive house and Vacations by doing all this work you know um the service is done with no fear or guilt it’s not like under a threat like do this service or else it’s done with a loving heart the services um and no resentments you don’t do service with the resentment like see what I’ve done for you it’s not that’s not
that’s not I don’t know what that is what it’s not a love language you guys with me so far no interruptions no [Music] yeah I’m just thinking about this acts of service and the conversation I was having yesterday about couples right in general like we’re we’re kind of old I think not all obviously but a lot of us a good percentage of us are in this state of somebody in the couple ship it feels like they are giving their all they are doing everything and it’s never good enough and it never meets expectations for the other partner and then if you actually were to like say okay hey that’s really sad you know can you just sit on this couch for a minute and then you walked in the other room and talked to their partner you’ll get the exact same [ ] story about how they’re the one doing everything and the other person doesn’t appreciate them and and it’s fascinating right and so what I was kind of coming to yesterday I was talking with my wife about this and like what happens is she comes to me and says hey I really need us to adjust can you take on this thing and I have so much pressure from the outside world telling me that I have all these responsibilities that I got to do in the course of a week right and I look at my time and I say oh God I can’t give up any of that that’s the stuff I have to do for the world right so that leaves two options I can take away from the people in my life and doing for them or I can take away from me and that’s the battle we all keep coming to when our partner comes and says hey can you make this adjustment we’re like I’m already taxed to the [ ] Max I’m doing a hundred percent the best I can and now you want more but the problem is we’re not stopping and saying why is that thing out there that machine that is society asking for so much from us and maybe if I could take away from that there’s plenty of time for me and plenty of time for my family and my people and that’s what I think we keep missing we keep feeling so pressured by all these demands of our life that we’re supposed to be doing to keep up with the next person that we don’t realize that’s the place we need to [ ] take away from so that we can do everything for us and our families that’s okay I don’t know just a little mini rant but I feel like it’s one Systems phone systems it is but it comes back into this idea of Acts of service like if you’re hearing that and you’re like oh but there’s not enough service for my narcissistic partner maybe we’re all just too [ ] tied up in what the world’s telling us we got to do maybe that’s the part that’s got to go some of that Revolution I know you’re getting crazy well and just to get sort of take that same concept back to the Love Languages because that’s exactly where my wife and I were it’s like I’m doing all these things and you know you don’t feel loved and you don’t feel appreciated what the [ ] right and then her saying the same thing like I’m doing all these things and being able to look at it from the all right so what is what is she doing and what am I doing and like in the in our case like she was way more the emotional uh foundation of the family she was better at emotionally connecting with the kids she was better at helping me you know with with sort of thinking about how I’m feeling and if we’re doing things we like and if we’re being happy and I was more in the mode of the machine doing person because my love language was Acts of service so I’m mowing the grass and you know taking care of the house and making sure the mortgage is paid and making sure all the you know bills are done and you know we were both doing a part but she wasn’t feeling what I was doing and I wasn’t feeling what she was doing you know but we still loved each other so yeah we both were carrying a load but didn’t connect because our love languages were different it’s just crazy when you look at two people in a couple and and I see this in a lot of couples and both people think they are the one that is carrying the couple doing all the stuff the other person doesn’t appreciate them it’s never enough and if you can step back from your own feeling of that in your relationship and realize that both of you feel that way that to me is a good place to start with like well okay then what the [ ] is happening here if we both feel exactly like this that doesn’t even make any [ ] sense unless you step back and start thinking about why right so that’s just I don’t know I point that out for people to say hey maybe your partner isn’t the necessarily problem maybe it’s the way we’re living well and you know doing this love language quiz with my husband James um you know what else came up with is how we learn like the intelligences or the learning styles and uh it became apparent how we learn differently and just perceive the world differently this might make another show another good one the learning styles or the intelligences but just how differently we see the realm we definitely have had eras where he thinks he’s carrying the load and I think I’m carrying load and he has said things to me I’m like that’s what I feel like you know um and uh you know it’s like painful at the time but it’s very eye-opening what really are these two separate Creatures two different mind processes trying to flow together and it’s just like it’s like apples and oranges for real you know like well for us that’s where there was so where the resentments would come in is I would look at all the stuff that I was doing she wouldn’t feel loved you know and instead of me asking well what things can I do to make you feel loved I’m like well I can’t stop cutting the grass I can’t stop doing these other things I have to do these things and you just have to feel loved for it you know what I mean like that’s where I was kind of stuck at instead of saying oh you just want me to come in and sit down with you and turn the TV off and say hey how are you doing today you know how’s your week going what’s going on with you and I’m like that was so foreign to me yeah and and when you’re trying to keep up with all that stuff the world demands the cut in the grass because God I can’t let my grass be over on what people think of me right or God I got to do this because then what will people there is no time to add in more it does not feel like you have extra effort at that point you’re given a hundred percent you’re doing all the things and it’s not enough for your partner so it’s understandable why we flip the [ ] out when they’re telling us we’re not doing enough and why we don’t feel like we’re lovable because we’re not pleasing them but I I don’t think the partners are the problem I think and and I get it we can’t live in a world where there’s no work but if we didn’t have anything to do all week long you’d probably have plenty of space to love your partner and you wouldn’t give a [ ] and you wouldn’t get stressed out when they ask for more because you have all the time in the world well understanding what they’re asking for was the problem for me it wasn’t the effort it was what what is she actually asking for like understanding that she’s asking for this you know quality conversation in this quality time where we have intimate conversations about feelings like that isn’t something that I grew up doing that isn’t something that I do a whole lot of now even now when we do it it’s still like to me that doesn’t make me feel overly loved and connected with her it feels sort of awkward and kind of weird and we do it because it’s important to her and I love her it had more to do with I just didn’t understand what the [ ] she was talking about like yeah it was like I don’t that doesn’t make me feel love so what the [ __ ] but in that amount of time that you have to take to give to that where do you take that from what did you have to stop doing to have time to do that I don’t feel like every minute of my time is consumed by stuff so I feel like I have choices of what I do with any minutes of my time but anyway that’s a whole problem yeah who’s number five all right uh and the last one is physical touch so um
we know that you know like uh touching can love or hate so like a hug or a slap kind of like the words of affirmation you can express love with touch or you can express anger and hatred with um
um how uh in this section he had a big um put down on like open marriages or non-married couples because he says it messes with intimacy especially for those whose primary love language is touch giving that away to another is like giving your love taking it from your partner and giving it to another and so yeah it’s not getting married that totally unnatural sorry I’m rolling my eyes here yeah so this is this is part of that Conservative Christian not a lot of room for like anything outside of like a man and a woman woman get married so that’s this is like yeah this is assuming monogamy you know uh God two people in a closed marriage yeah very traditional he’s very traditional roles too I think in part of camera for the New York Times article or in the he doesn’t like how the women and men stereotypes are changing like I was like are you allowed to admit that like well and and fairness I mean the book was written 30 years ago today yeah so would he say that a couple That’s not married shouldn’t be expressing love through physical touch because they’re not married you can still express love through physical touch but it better not be sex yeah I don’t think yeah I think he would he would save that but I mean you could still hold hands and hug and kiss and you know all duly noted yeah but if you’re living in sin I think I think he so much assumes that his audience is Conservative Christian that he doesn’t even mention sex before marriage because how dare you why would you you know like gotcha he’s like his audience is not outside of God fear totally would assume the other way nobody waits till they’re married right it’s not even a thing so um how do you determine your love language you take a quiz um well that was the last one that was my punchline um sorry yeah so how you love your partner is likely your love language what your spouse does that hurts you does or not does so what a weird sentence I wrote in my notes what your spouse does or does not do the opposite is your love language that hurts you sorry guys hold on what sorry so what your spouse does or does not do that hurts you the opposite of that is your love language but there’s five they don’t have opposites well you would have to do a little okay like if your wife is very critical and that hurts your feelings a lot like and all these With Love Languages so all five of these things are expressions of love it’s not like one is the only one that you have everyone has them in like varying degrees so everyone feels loved when they get a gift just for some people it’s like oh that’s nice you thought about me and for other people it’s like oh my gosh this is so special I can’t believe you took the time to give me this gift right but it’s like everyone has it all five it or or needs all five just the level to which you feel connected and appreciated and fully loved vary between people yeah how glad you read read this too because you’re doing a really good job explaining it I get
um uh what do you most request of your spouse that’s probably including your love language your partner’s complaints about you offers Clues to their love language um and also consider of the five love languages which would you give up give up and then lastly you could just take a quiz thank you thank you what a would a [ __ ] be an active service or touch that’s physical touch physical touch yeah I don’t know I I think it depends on where it’s coming from too that’s true it could be how much does she hate giving blow jobs did you get it for Christmas I mean is it a sex worker I don’t know like is it your partner or is it you know
um so what’d you guys think of the quiz we all took it Billy already gave us his answer it was good I already knew I mean I I didn’t do the quiz back but Jen and I had done work to figure out what our love languages were in the in I think there’s a workbook or some questions that they used to have again this was a while back so yeah 30 years ago what well we weren’t charity not that old yeah but uh yeah I like the quiz I thought it was helpful so I question so it was interesting because um you were saying in there that uh love languages are constant like they their expression of them can change but the actual language if you have a love language that’s your love language so it makes me question whether there’s a bias in the quiz itself then because so when I took the quiz so I first learned about Love Languages years ago when I was in couples counseling with with my husband um and I could swear that my love language which I’m not going to say what they are because we’re going to guess um we’re we’re two specific things and when I took this quiz it actually came out different one of them I one of them I was still right on but then my second love language was different than the one that I thought it would be and so hearing this like stability thing makes me wonder if so what I realized I feel like there’s there there’s a relevancy right so I don’t know how to talk about this without giving them away but like I feel like first we’re gonna do we’re gonna guess yours first so we can talk about this okay yeah unless you have any comment about what you thought about the quiz uh uh maybe just Roofing off of what Caroline’s saying I don’t remember the actual questions in the quiz itself but any randomized quiz with multiple choice answers is going to skew to the fact that none of them are going to match exactly what I’m thinking about my answer for that so I’m already like kind of skewing myself to the closest possible right answer and with what Caroline’s saying what something that’s occurring to me one I I definitely think these could change across the lifespan because there’s no scientific evidence for this at all so I I don’t doubt that they change um but two even in my current relationship when I fill out this quiz if some of these needs are well met by my wife they’re not going to feel like I need them because they’re already being met so I’m going to skew to whatever my partner actually isn’t filling up in me or I’m not finding ways to get filled up and that might be different from relationship to relationship which is going to leave me feeling lacking and like I need these other pieces so I would say I honestly it’s probably more that we need some version or percentage of all of these at all times and maybe focusing on the ones we’re not getting is a good way to say Hey you do well in these other areas treating me nicely but in these areas I I feel like I could use a little different variation yeah and I don’t want to contradict you Jenny but I because I’m going off 15 year old memory but my memory was that they changed I think we just talked about this earlier so my memory was that they change and exactly like what Jason was just talking about like if I have a partner that’s really good at words of affirmation but it’s terrible at access service than my love language you know like I’ll be way more sensitive to the axis service part you know but if they’re the other way around then you know it will be the other way the brain is trained to look for what you don’t have I feel like so I out you gave me the framework by which to speak of this like I felt like back when I was with my husband my love languages were the two things that he was not needing right and that’s what I pulled forward as my expectation for this quiz but then when so I’m in a very new relationship when I took this quiz there were a couple of things that had happened like within a week of taking this quiz that I had really liked so they were like top of mind for me as like I had just very recently gotten like a really good feeling from this specific expression and so I feel like when my results now those are weighted higher than I would have expected so I think I think there’s two sides to the coin it’s like what what have you very recently gotten that kind of like hit off of and then maybe also like what are you not getting where are you not getting your means met yeah and you know now that we’re talking about it I did I’ve heard something in like spiritual groups or bro Mental Health groups like the relationships you are attracted to are the ones that mirror your trauma in some way I’m gonna look to my therapy friend attachment yeah yeah attachment says you will seek out similar relationship dynamics that you had with your primary and most important caregivers doesn’t matter how much they sucked it’s familiar that’s where we see comfort and familiarity not in what’s good for us thanks for wording that precisely but that’s exactly what I was thinking of so of course my partner today you know the one I picked 20 years ago is gonna be like you know what trolled me as a child you know well and wouldn’t it be interesting to have like a completely healthy person here that grew up in like a great household that wasn’t some sort of traumatized like I wonder if they would have a different experience than like I know my upbringing was all [ __ ] up so I was you know had my childhood traumas that I bring into my relationship so I’m from an unhealthy place anyway and then I picked someone with similar unhealthy childhood yeah water seeks its own level if you’re a three on the mental health scale so are they just somewhere else so I wonder how much this changes when you have someone who grew up in like a loving household with these supportive parents a person like that would come near me [Laughter] I don’t think no yeah I do I
so um what are you messed up about Caroline
yeah so we’re guessing so I’m guessing for you we’re going in the guessing stage oh Jesus okay remember what they are okay you’re gonna you’re gonna you’re gonna okay no you really okay yeah so well then let’s first okay what do they think quality time
sure I take quality time all right I chose about my second one I chose two for the top two extra service I’ll go words affirmation just because all right I was saying gifts and quality time for you so quality time is definitely my biggest one for sure 100 percent words of affirmation is what I thought my second was going to be um but see and I said this is the thing is like I so am it’s so nice to be one of those ones that’s the same thing I think hold on hold on so this is the thing is like I don’t even remember because he’s like tattooed on your wrist no because I it was a service it was Acts of service and then same thing receiving gifts was like a very close third because of the same thing
my new boyfriend within a week of taking this quiz bought me cake bought me mini cakes and vacuumed my house so I really feel like and those were I thought I was like those are really nice well I love cake right so um
so these are actually like these little like moose animal things they were very unexpected but so like I felt like that really because those things had just happened when I was taking the quiz and they had felt good I felt like that really pulled them forward I will also say like the words of affirmation which I thought that would be my second because again like so my husband was he was not a big talker and I feel like that was definitely mine before because I could never get him to like talking yeah that was definitely the him thing that was I mean surely it wasn’t for you like you’re you’re fine yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah there’s no words of affirmation
um but in my current relationship like that’s not a struggle so I felt like that got a little bit like deep prior work I I don’t know can I ask this before we move on to any other people’s results does the percentage proportion mean anything about this like is it you know if you have one that’s 80 and the rest of them fill up the 20 like is that like oh [ __ ] they’ve got a really really important one or is is
board and so was my wife’s which was I was like does that mean anything that were I mean the numbers I mean obviously there’s one higher than another and all that but they’re pretty close percentages I was putting some weight in the percentages like um because actually my second and third were pretty close so so and you know like just to give you an example my percentages I had 33 27 20 17 and then three so okay maybe the one’s not important and then my wife’s worth 27 23 20 20 and 10. wow I’m like that’s not much variation in there listen to mine okay these are super close 29 26 23 23 and zero so yeah I think within five points all right I have a high quality my quality time is uncomplicated
or you’re easy because Annie is gonna be nice to me and I’m happy that’s true don’t call me an [ __ ] and don’t tear up my house do you know earlier Jason you said you think get service or the same thing I think so the more I think the quality time is more like I think gift giving has kind of a material feel to it whereas quality time we’re not quality time acts of service acts of service is doing something like someone’s house receiving gifts so it’s actually the receiving of a material but that doesn’t that completely ruins this entire thing of Love Languages because then there’s no way to measure that one on the other end
Ure them on the other well if we’re measuring to see which one we have or which one we are like I I can’t I can’t wait being a guy who gives gifts if it’s about receiving gifts do you understand what I’m saying because it’s about how you and because giving birth would be an act of service but it’s about how you receive love not how you show love tip people typically will show love in the way they like to receive it but it’s not always it doesn’t always have to be that yeah but doesn’t it need a comparable other if not what’s the point I’m not understanding what you mean yeah so okay if receiving gifts is what we’re measuring how do you give them what’s the other side of that who’s the person who’s showing Love by giving gifts what are they doing but that’s not what the love languages are meant to indicate it’s about how you receive love not how you primarily if that’s your love language giving gifts then you feel most loved by Kim when she gives you a gift I don’t think it can be your love language because it’s just acts of service that’s what I’m getting at if there’s only four to give how come there’s five receiving well in my understanding acts of service would be more like doing the laundry taking out the trash washing the dishes okay gifts giving’s like I bring you home a bouquet of flowers I you know give you a jewelry you know like a material gift versus acts of service is more something that I’m doing yeah it takes more effort than just like trading and like my understanding is my job I mean it’s great that I know what mine are so that I can communicate that to my partner but it’s more important that I understand what hers are or theirs are so that I can give that to them actually Chapman would argue with you it’s just as important to know your own as it is your partners no I don’t want to keep taking us down this argument but I just fundamentally disagree like I don’t understand why we’re measuring Five One Direction but I don’t know there’s no gift giving on the other end it’s just an act of service you’re saying it’s just exchanging money but you had to go do acts of service to earn the money to do that and then you have to go to the store or go on your phone and look it up and go to the store like I think it’s an active service so there’s only four ways to give these love but there’s five ways to receive it that doesn’t even make any [ __ ] sense sorry do you get me now I do I thought yeah now I understand what you’re talking about right you’re doing that Jason thing where you like think 10 steps deeper then has to go it matters
besides that there’s conversations of like hey how are you feeling are you feeling loved lately and if my wife says no might be like oh well I know her she likes to receive gifts so maybe on the way home I’ll get her a card I’ll get her some flowers whatever but that’s relatively easy as opposed to like mowing the lawn which is like an actual but it’s not relatively easy it’s relatively easy if you’re assuming that oh I just have the money but you don’t just have money you had to go earn it somewhere you’ve done the work already you can pick the flowers off the side mine is Just Energy the author thinks it’s energy exactly yeah it’s work the author says gift giving get me free like it’s just it just could be something or something but then that feels like acts of service because it is because there’s anyway anyway we guess Caroline’s we were close yeah okay we’re who are we doing next we doing here Johnny I’m easy I’m I’m a big [ __ ] you guys know what I am I don’t see people
Jenny I don’t even think this list exists can I pin you in it right and there’s only four so we’re not guessing five right I only got four and a half to work with acts of service is one affirmation and I think knowing your life and how much you have to do for everyone else I would guess that people taking things off your plate must mean a lot am I right I’m going access service and words of affirmation right oh God I was off the poker face I said words of affirmation and service I’m gonna say words of affirmation too as my second oh my God you’re very emotional she’s going to be the opposite she’s gonna be the two we didn’t name I I’m shocked I thought I was so obvious I am quality time really yeah I’m quality time and physical touch yeah that’s how I know yep that’s how I know people love me is if you you are maybe they’re all when I was 20. when I was 20 physical touch was definitely number one
now that I’m almost 50 that’s true I thought we said BJ’s racks of service [Laughter] um
I just want to hang out like I just like that’s my whole thing like I’m like you want to be my friend then let’s hang out you know like that’s I wonder if this is used for the weekend and you oh well I don’t think it was the weekend yeah
that was exhausted and I was like I would love to hang out with you but not when I’m exhausted yeah I wonder if these are actually evidence of something else that’s what I’m starting to want probably like maybe this is actually describing a good relationship if you do these things for people sort of sort of I’m thinking more along the lines of like because the statement I had was you know what did I say here words of affirmation and acts of service seem like the two for people who are would be more maybe insecure and looking for an external version of I’m enough but the more I think about that they’re all versions of that and I wonder if it’s just the ones that we didn’t get well that’s what it was saying yeah you know what I’m saying yeah because I’m like somebody who suffered from abandonment trauma didn’t get quality time and I did yeah so quality time is super important but here’s the problem attachment says you will walk out into the world and unknowingly pick a person that cannot give you time and try to train them because if you’re enough they will change for you right so you won’t go out in the world and say God I really need quality time with people let me find somebody who’s good at giving that you’ll actually find somebody that mirrors the people who sucked at giving it to you because that’s how you’re trying to earn love and that’s [ __ ] terrible place to start a relationship at which is what we’re all doing do you want to hear what James’s is sure so um words of affirmation I quiz James and uh he is I knew his just doing from doing the audiobook I knew what my husband’s was his accent acts of service trouble is Hill like Hill work on the house and fix the car and do all this stuff I’m like babe I just want to hang out with you and uh but you see it wasn’t that way when we were dating and the book addressed this you know how we are when we are dating usually changes after marriage like how you’re what you do when you’re courting is like giving flowers listening to each other for hours on end and stuff that usually changes after you get married and then James and I did do like a lot together like that way we would go camping just the two of us and a lot of that stuff and then we got married and now he’s trying to build a home and a family and security that’s his whole thing and um I actually discovered that about him before I read this book we you know we had a couple deep heart to Hearts I’m like honey I need you to just pay attention to me to feel loved and he’s like I do love you this is why I do all this stuff you know and it took me a while to be like oh okay I get it so now we try we
um you know he’ll he’ll like on the weekends he’ll do all his like Daddy stuff you know but then he always has like a coffee with me we always sit down have like
them so yeah [Music]
thank you I feel like this goes back to what we were talking about between episodes when I was saying I feel kind of crazy now and like Billy walked through that door and let me know that I do sound kind of crazy sometimes right and hey I appreciate that right I want to know the the real feedback but what I think the the statement of where I sound crazy he was saying was when I say I just do what feels good for me that’s what everybody’s [ ] doing James isn’t showing you he loves you James is showing the world how he shows love right it’s not about our partner and that’s where we’re not thinking we’re just doing what feels good to us all day long every day claiming it’s some kind of selfless life even though it’s really not we’re doing it for us I’m not James isn’t showing up for Jenny because she needs time together James is showing up in a way that feels good for him no feels good to go to work and make money and build the house and [ ] and that’s what we’re all doing anyway so maybe if we can accept that we can game the system to our advantage and be able to do it better that’s that’s the goal there that’s what we’re all doing everybody’s acting selfish so when I uh gave Jane this James’s quiz he had he was so hard for him like he was like reading the questions he’s like I don’t even know what this means he couldn’t do it and I think it’s because to be honest I think he’s so out of touch with what he wants because Society is telling him to do this be this fulfill this that’s all and so he had trouble answering the questions he’s like gotta fall if money wasn’t a problem and all the house was fixed and everything I would love quality time but until then he feels like acts of service are the best he can do and that made me really sad I feel stuck and I’m trying to be supportive I’m like you don’t have to do this stuff you don’t have to like but he feels like for me and the kids and I would be in the same thing she would be like I don’t give a [ ] if the grass is mode I’m like yeah but I do like I can’t I can’t be comfortable if the grass is two feet high you know and the neighbors see it and I come home every day and it looks like [ ]
because she would say oh I would rather you just sit in here and talk to me than be out mowing the grass or at the time we had a big property so it was like two hours it would take to mow the grass you know she’d be like I don’t give a [ ] if the grass is two feet high just come in and sit down and talk to me can’t my neighbors complained about my grass over the summer because I was traveling a lot so I your neighbors are [ ] [ __ ] did you mow it for another three weeks yeah now I’m that now my perception is different because I don’t know if I got time if it doesn’t then I don’t care
but I think for me what was important is like deciding like hey and it’s funny the best of marriage advice I got was from a pastor of a church the guy that married us when we sat down he had Gemini each write a list of five things he said think about you know what you want out of your partner what you want out of your marriage and write down the top five things try to write them in order so she wrote hers and then I wrote mine and then he said now switch your lists and so we switched our list and he said people think when they get into a marriage there’s these top things that you need to do or that each marriage needs these three things to succeed he said that’s not true he said that list that she just gave you if you can do those five things for the next 30 Years your marriage will be happy and successful you’re marrying a unique and independent individual not a construct or an idea you know marriage isn’t just a thing it’s you’re entering into a relationship with this person who has their own needs beliefs values and all that stuff that’s the person that you’re supposed to be committing to not some ideal that you have about what your relationship’s supposed to look like so that’s where that concept and then learning about these Love Languages my problem before that was I didn’t know how to put what she was asking for into words and when we read this book I’m like oh what she’s asking for is this like quality time quality conversation when I go back to that list and look what she wants is for me to like sit down and have a conversation with the TV off and my phone put away of how are you doing how are you feeling and just because it doesn’t make me feel loved doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be doing it for her as her partner why do you laugh when he talks about quality time because this [ __ ] is my house everything you’re gonna say is my house and like we’re all living the same life in some variation right I’m just I’m Jen I’m Billy’s wife in my relationship right I’m the guy like hey can we just talk right can we just spend time together like that’s my thing right and and my wife’s the insecure avoiding attachment type right she’s Less in touch with her emotions and less likely to do those kind of things right hers is a little different but it’s it’s just fascinating to hear other people tell their stories I’m like hey we did that me and Kim just had a conversation yesterday where she feels tied in more than I do to what the world’s demanding of her and like that stresses her out but and I’m you know the conversation was like Hey this isn’t me attacking you right I I get it I get the stress you’re under but I’m telling you that that third thing out there is the problem not me and not your kids and not what you want right it’s that third one that’s the one we got to stop doing and uh it’s just it’s hard it’s hard when people feel locked in it was hard for me when I felt locked in right I get it It’s just tough but yeah I laugh because I compare in I’m like oh my god this is my life too good because I thought yeah what you were saying was great let’s guess Billy’s next so wait acts of service
um what was your gifts your gift was Zero that was James’s too he’s like I don’t care about that
I don’t really I like to buy my own stuff well I mean Billy’s was minus seven percent because it doesn’t exist mine was three percent I don’t know I made it up I guess I just validated your gifts it’s not a thing
um yeah I’m saying I’m saying accessories accent service um that was based on today’s I was
I was thinking quality time for you because you spend you make a deliberate amount of time with your kids like you do Sports and activities with them nice so that’s that was my guess I feel like that’s extra service when he does it though I thought it’s quite okay I do it on the guys that quality time I was thinking acts of service because of the anxiety well I know you have to be like go go go go go I was thinking as a parent of sports kids like going to the practices and the games and [ ] that’s not actually time with the kid it’s just service sitting there on the sidelines watching really yeah you don’t really interact with any of it showing up so maybe so my motivation though because I’ve thought a lot about that from conversations we’ve had and my motivation is that I want to show them that they’re important and that they matter and what they’re interested in I’m interested in too yeah it’s just oh you like doing this Sports in this thing I’ll come out with you and we’ll it’s like a way to kind of share that with them um all these five love languages are versions of connection and ways to connect in ways we feel more connected to others so yeah 100 I mean that’s what we’re seeking through any of them 100 really doesn’t matter so if he’s calling it quality timer he’s calling it extra service either way he’s further in connection with his kids the gift-giving gift of time well yeah they really do overlap more than ever did you touch them on the way there because this might all be one thing physical activity yeah um so there is a love languages for kids we probably won’t get too much time to talk about that but that’s the way I’ve thought about this whole concept with my kids is my kids need all five of these things in their life you know and the the physical touch is a real thing I mean not to make it gross or anything but like even with my daughters like I have young daughters and it’s important that they get hugs that they get told that they’re beautiful that I tell them that I love them like that validation and that love that I can give in that way gives them healthy ideas about what those things look like because if I don’t give them to them at home they will go seek them out from outside people who will give them to them in whatever [ ] up way they might want to give it to them and then they learn these really weird behaviors but as a person that didn’t get that growing up that was really awkward like it’s kind of awkward to like hug my kids especially when the girls get to be 10 11 12 years now they’re 20. I still hug my daughter you know what I mean I see her come in give her a hug you know and that kind of stuff because you know the old joke is like I don’t want to see her on the pole you know like I want to give her the love she needs at home um but anyway so even though uh oh mine so quality time was my number one but they’re also close that was my yes all the time I mean I’m 29 26 23 and 23. they’re so close I guess word to affirmation and then physical touch and then acts of service and what’s funny is like you said he said the way we give is the way we receive I feel like mine’s not like I Jen can do all kinds of stuff around the house and I don’t really feel I’m like that’s your [ ] obligation to living here yeah I mean I know that’s not right to say that but that’s the way I feel a lot of times like the kids like cleaning your room and taking care of your chores and all that stuff like yeah that’s rent like you owe that [ ] that’s not an act service but yet I want to show my love as an act of service and I expect it to be appreciated in that way so I’ve learned that contradiction about myself that you know the way I give it is not the way that I like to receive it you’re talking about something that I’ve noticed in my life a lot which is this idea that I tend to look at the things that I do well in my life like picking up after myself after I’ve eaten or after I’ve looked at the mail or whatever like I generally clean up the area I was just in like that just comes naturally to me and I say naturally but that comes from what I got in my life and like you know uh showing up for work on time generally is an expectation that I can fulfill at this point in time in my life and it’s something I do well and easily and I look at the people around me and say why can’t y’all just be good at the [ ] that comes naturally to me that’s what I do constantly right because I I don’t give myself credit for doing it I’m like no no I gotta be better I’m just looking at the places I struggle to try to be better I’m never acknowledging like oh hey I do a lot of cool stuff in these ways I’m just like oh that’s just what people are supposed to do by Nature because that’s what I do right and and I feel like that’s the feeling I got from yours like you do a lot of access service but you don’t necessarily consider them loving or give yourself props for doing it so it’s more like I’m not going to give anybody else props or notice it either because it’s just what the [ ] we do you just show up and do it God damn it like I don’t know I’m wondering if that ties in at all well just from work I’ve done on like my Early Childhood stuff I’m digging into some of this so it’s easy to see like of course my top ones are things I didn’t get as a kid you know we where the kids are seen and not heard and what you think doesn’t matter and what you’re doing doesn’t matter that much and you know that was just the way I was raised so quality time and then my mom was super critical and super condescending and nothing was ever good enough so of course my top two are quality time and words of affirmation because that’s all the things that I lack the most as a kid so they’re the things that resonate the most with me now that I’m an adult okay yeah I’m just looking at mine I feel like mine don’t hold up to that completely that idea of like we are bigger in the ones we didn’t get well it said you could also be modeling yeah from your parents and pleasantly sorry yeah so you either you’re either unhealthy in the version of you do exactly what they did or you’re unhealthy where you screw to the opposite yep great you’re basically your parents alcoholic or the dry drunk but you’re not the healthy version of the middle yeah but then and that’s just it too like with my unhealthy upbringing like I would parent in the same way that I was parented thinking that it was coming from this place of love and thinking that if I love my kids I need to be hard on them and critical on them and get them to work harder and do better and thinking that was a loving act you know it’s crazy um all right let’s end up with Jason who was a little bit of everything yeah [Music] quality time I guess do I do I or my top two yeah they stand yeah your top two yeah you kind of revealed quality time earlier that was not what I guessed it yeah you were talking about yeah you want to just hang out with Kim and just hey let’s just talk physical touch I I put physical touch as your first one that was my initial guess before you revealed what you revealed I wouldn’t put that second I’m gonna put words of affirmation am I I had words so physical touch was 33 and quality time was 27. and then I rounded out with axis service at 20 words affirmation at 17 and receiving Gifts of three oh I feel like I got
not a ton but I got some physical touch growing up uh yeah I don’t know it’s hard to say like looking back I can tell that what I’m thinking is biased and skewed so it’s like I really don’t know I mean if I’m being real I really don’t know I don’t know what they were trying to give I can tell you frequently as a parent I have tried to give things and notice that they are not what’s being received right moment at all so I don’t know what my parents goals were but yeah that’s where I’m at physical touch and quality time nice so where do we go with that what do we do with that so I wanted to talk about like the dark side of this which I think we’ve just talked about throughout it and then is It ultimately helpful um some so after doing the audiobook I think everything you need from this book can be just kind of explained in an infographic like you might not have to like the book yeah you might not have to read the whole audiobook I mean just listen to this podcast or just listen to this podcast yeah and then Jason what does the therapy world not like about this did you not talk about that specifically yet uh not exactly so I mean the therapy world uh because we deal with an immeasurable in some ways enemy or a problem like what we’ve had to skew to to be taken seriously is evidence-based practice anything that can be researched and we can look at numbers and have you know Sure Fire Proof according to research that this works so that we can be taken more seriously because if you walk into a room full of scientists who are measuring like all kind of other stuff in your body that they can have actual numbers for it’s hard to come in and say but her feelings were hurt and she couldn’t do it right like you need evidence-based practices right data and [ ] to argue and be relevant um so I think that is the main beef with the five love languages is there’s no research-based statistical evidence that this holds true or is real or or exists and I think there has been some attempts at it so generally what we know is that it’s not necessarily completely accurate at least um but one of the great pieces of it is just this idea of in taking this test and thinking about The Love Languages and how your partners might be not the same as yours you’re creating a version of an other and realizing that this person is not me and they have their own needs and demands and wants and like I can’t just do what works for me and expect that to work across the board and you know the the Disney version of oh you meet the right person and it just [ ] works because that’s how like that’s not real and I think taking this quiz and delving into this helps people understand that better like oh my partner is a whole different [ __ ] person that has different needs and and wants them me and maybe I need to consider them so it’s more a very great tool in the idea of just considering that there’s other people and they like other things than me like it gets me out of myself but but in general as far as like relevancy or accuracy I don’t think it holds up anywhere it describes more attachment than anything which is kind of like that tissue box thing right like we can keep pulling the tissues Out of Love Languages or we can say oh this is the underlying thing is just the attachment that’s how we’re doing it right people who are insecure avoidant and not in touch with their feelings as well are probably going to do access service and not quality time right it’s not like a a stretch to think that whereas people who are maybe insecure anxious like myself or like you know people like that it’s going to be more hey I need time with you I need touch I need to know really that you’re here and with me right like I don’t know that’s cool yeah I like what I like about it the Love Languages is that it was a conversation Kickstarter it started like to classify it maybe even though if you don’t agree with it um at least it’s like a starting point you know yeah it’s a framework for for saying my partner is not me and they might need something other than what I generally tend to give naturally and that’s a great thing to start thinking about in any relationship yeah so I’d call that helpful the the only harmful part is like I’ve mentioned before was the it just it’s not very inclusive you know like even like Caroline’s relationship would be like invalid you know in this context how dare you right yeah there I yeah but there’s so there’s a lot of versions of this book it’s actually a bestseller in multiple languages I was shocked to hear that and um they have different versions like they’ve loved languages for teens for children you know children and parents they have singles Edition um I guess the singles Edition would be like how to love yourself you know so I guess that’s like or maybe I mean I would think it would be easier if you found a partner that naturally wanted to do your love languages versus you won’t like them oh my God is there on five yeah they’ll be more yeah they’ll be boring and there won’t be anything happening because it doesn’t feel like we learned that from a different marriage so I’ve been in in this relationship that I’m in quality time is my big one and it’s been a struggle um to to get that met at the frequency I would like it Matt which I mean part of that is I don’t I don’t work so I have like all the time in the world so I’m like spend all the time in the world with me um which is not super realistic and I recognize but I was I was uh thinking to myself like if this relationship didn’t work out I should give someone I should make them take this test no you gotta read another marriage book called getting the love you need and it’ll explain exactly why you picked someone here called hold me close which is EFT which is another great framework to yeah it’s I don’t I’m not familiar with EFT emotionally focused therapy it says that uh at the core all of us are just searching to be loved and accepted and adored by somebody right and that’s what we’re really looking for and it lays out the attachment dance that happens between people the push pull between couples right I want more of your time so I’ll create a screaming match because now I have your attention because you’re engaged when you’re angry whereas you weren’t engaged you were ignoring me before and like trying to seek it out in these Twisted ways and if we can realize what we’re doing we can slow it down and just say hey I really feel like I need more of your attention instead of being critical and saying they’re doing wrong things and not giving you enough like it’s a different way to come about getting what you need and I think it’s spot on that is what we’re all looking for is to be loved and accepted somewhere so I don’t know but yeah they’re all good right love languages is fine if you take it and you say the goal of this is to help me see my partner better but if you take it and use it as a method of score keeping it’s like oh well now we’re keeping score on the Love Languages method right like look I showed up with your love languages three times this week you only showed up for 9-1 right like right you’re nowhere better off with that right that’s all I will say so um the guy that I’m seeing his lovely which is his physical touch and words of affirmation which are like super easy for me um I’m very like touchy-feely and I’m very communicative you are really good at word affirmation yeah I am though but so like he told me the other day like I’m the perfect girlfriend so like I’m like winning in his love languages I just need to get him like spending some some more time with me than all all the problems in the world will be
and we’ll fix it for a while well thanks for doing with this thanks for going there with me because I was super curious about this topic so I don’t know what I’m going to get into next if is there anybody who out there who’s an expert on intelligences or I can’t say it right intelligences or learning styles I think that would make a great guess was this an act of service for us to do this episode for you or was it a gift I actually thought this was quality time because you were divulging yourselves to me I was excited about that I really think I really think your take that it was quality time is probably the best oh thanks
uh yeah so I mean if you’re interested in Love Languages I you know I can sit here and tell you all day that they’re not scientifically accurate or this that and the other but as a place to start like Jenny was saying is it a place to evaluate where you’re at in your relationship if you’re showing up in a way that’s meaningful for your partner and not just throwing things at them that you hope get felt the way you give uh yeah start here anybody else got anything all right figure out your love language and then uh figure out how that’s actually different from the other Love Languages and then go do it and have a good week [Music] [Applause] [Music] did you like this episode share it with people you think might get something out of it check out the rest of our episodes at recoverysortup.com also while you’re there you can find ways to link up with us on Facebook Twitter Instagram Reddit YouTube anything we’re always looking for new ideas got an idea you want us to look into reach out to us [Music]